


The Hobbit and BNHA Crossover that Nobody Wanted, But I Did It Anyway

by Dracien



Series: One Shot Gifts [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Ashido is a Dragon, At Least I tried Crack, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Bakugou is a Dragon King, Bilbo needs a break, Crack, Kaminari is a Dragon, M/M, Midoriya is an adventurer, Relationships if you squint, Smaug is dead, Thorin Oakenshield is Bad at Feelings, Where did all this meat come from?, kirishima is a dragon, midoriya needs a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-01 10:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17242610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracien/pseuds/Dracien
Summary: the company of Thorin Oakenshield finally make it to the secret entrance to Erebor. They could never have prepared themselves for what they found inside.





	The Hobbit and BNHA Crossover that Nobody Wanted, But I Did It Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> Here is a crack fiction prompted by one of my supporters as my birthday present to my readers. Happy Birthday me. I tried for crack and there might not have been a lot of detail about the food, but I did include a feast of sorts.
> 
> Relationships are there if you squint hard enough.
> 
> Please enjoy.

To say Bilbo had mixed feelings about solving the riddle of the Map would be a tremendous understatement. His feelings were a veritable typhoon of happy and nerves. He was happy to be of help to the company and nearly melted at the soft look he received from Thorin. On the other hand, there’s a bloody DRAGON in there, probably still alive and very hungry after a long nap. Thorin also holds conflicting feelings for the creature in front of him. The small Hobbit that has saved himself and his company time and time again over the course of their adventure is once again going head first into danger for the sake of the Dwarrow. 

The two stand there for a few moments, gazes getting softer while they slowly lean closer. Someone clears their throat and the two stiffen and separate from each other quickly. A few of the other Dwarrow chuckle at the two getting caught in their own little world, but it is with heavy hearts they watch the Hobbit enter the darkened cavern. 

Bilbo walks on silent Hobbit feet down the corridors of the secret entrance. The walls are as silent as death as he makes his way down the paths the others said would lead to the treasury. There is little light in these halls, but Bilbo can just barely see enough to not trip. It feels like forever to Bilbo as he turns each corner carefully and keeps his guard up for any possible threats. What he thinks he can do against a dragon, even Bilbo doesn't know, but stays alert regardless. At some point he thinks he can hear sounds, he passes it off as just nerves at first. The sounds echo again and Bilbo thinks it is voices (plural). He follows the sounds.

Meanwhile, inside Erebor’s treasury, Bakugou Katsuki continues to wildly thrash and yell profanities while chasing a panicking Midoriya Izuku. “GET BACK HERE FUCKING DEKU!!!” The cry could be heard all throughout the large cavernous room. The rest of the ragtag party that call themselves 1A (Because Katsuki refused to be associated with anything less than first) sat around on the tables and chairs eating a wonderful late dinner. The others more than used to the two’s antics by now. “Kacchan! Please!” Izuku calls over his shoulder. “I told you it was part of the plan!” Katsuki just yells back, “FUCK YOUR PLAN!!”

The words were followed by a few explosions and many more expletives, all ignored by the eating adventurers. Tenya, the valiant knight that he is, once again attempts to calm the chaos caused by his two friends. “You two!! That is more than enough. You are causing even more damage to the structural integrity of this abandoned city than we already did while fighting the beast originally.” There is another loud crash from behind a large hill of gold and the raging Katsuki yells out again. “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TIN CAN OR I’LL SHOVE THAT SWORD RIGHT NEXT TO THE STICK THAT’S ALREADY UP YOUR ASS!!” Tenya stutters for a few moments speechless at the crude language while the others have a good laugh at his admittedly funny face. 

Eijirou, feeling a little sorry for the green-haired adventurer that has managed to capture his leader’s heart (though all involved will deny it to their last breath), calls out to the destructive duo. “Hey, Baku-bro! Come on ever and help us with this thing! You can show off your strength for Izuku later-” A large golden gauntlet flew through the air and smacked right into the red-head’s face interrupting his teasing. A green blur rushes past him and Katsuki saunters into view. Eijirou grumbles, “If I wasn’t me, that would have really hurt.” Katsuki’s red eyes rove over his friend, “It was supposed to fucking hurt, hair-for-brains.” 

The duo make their way back to the arrangement of tables. Izuku had run all the way to hide behind the two-toned prince, Shouto. Katsuki alters their direction to meet the prince head-on, not liking the way Izuku is clinging to the other’s coat. Before the irate blonde could say anything about it though, Shouto quickly derailed the impending argument in his usual monotone, “As much as I don’t want to get involved, do you think you could start cutting up the meat from the dragon? After all, you are the only one powerful enough to tear through the thick hide.” Red eyes glare at heterochromatic for a solid moment. “Think is,” Katsuki growls lowly, “I know exactly what the fuck you’re doing, but you’re damn right I am.” 

With an angry huff, the blonde turns on his heel and heads toward a large mountain of gold. Eijirou laughs in his usual full-bodied way, “I’d better go after him and make sure he doesn’t just rip it all to shreds.” Bilbo had been standing at the entrance to the treasury in shock as he took in the group carelessly enjoying a pleasant evening gathering. His eyes follow the two that suddenly turned back to the mountains of gold and the Hobbit startles as his eyes land on the terrible figure of Smaug. Bilbo startles so hard that he takes a tumble and slides down the pile of gold that covered the stairs. The sound caught the attention of the group in the treasury and all eyes followed the falling Hobbit.

Bilbo quickly rights himself after his tumble and looks toward the giant deathly still figure of the dragon Smaug. His heart rate jump-kicks into high gear and his breathing comes in rapid pants as he takes in the sheer size of the calamity known as Smaug. Then, Bilbo locks onto the glassy dilated eyes of the dragon and he takes in their lifeless gaze. The Hobbit’s panic slowly fades as he realizes the creature is dead, truly and completely dead. Bilbo continues to stare at the dragon’s corpse in complete shock while the rest of the occupants in the treasury begin to either approach the new occupant or go back to their own conversations. 

Tsuyu was the first one to speak. Her wide blank eyes bore directly into the side of Bilbo’s head, “Hi, I’m Asui Tsuyu. Call me Tsuyu. What are you doing here? Didn’t you know there was a dragon inside?” Ochako approaches from her friend’s other side. “Yeah, it could have been very dangerous if we hadn’t already defeated him.” Bilbo turned his shocked gaze to the two women. They were of the Tall Folk, not Elves, so Man. In fact they all looked to be of Man. The two didn’t speak to him like a child as most Man folk do during their first meeting of a Hobbit, so they must be aware of his race. 

The thoughts rushing through Bilbo’s head come to an abrupt stop at the angered yelling of the resident hot-head. “Like FUCK that pathetic excuse of Morgoth shit was a Dragon!” Katsuki stomps back holding a slab of scale covered meat about the size of Bilbo’s bedroom back in the Shire. He drops the chunk of Smaug with a wet thud and directs his glare to the sole Hobbit in the room. “The Fucker didn’t even have four limbs and was weak as shit.” Katsuki turns from the small group forming around the fallen Hobbit, “HEY FUCKING DEKU, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND COOK THIS SHIT!!” 

Izuku startles from his position behind Shouto and rushes toward the shouting blonde with a high pitched ,”Yes, Kacchan”. Katsuki glares at Shouto and the bi-colored prince looks away first, knowing the Dragon Beast wont be satisfied without complete victory. The blonde releases a grumpy snort and turns to slice the meat with a partially transformed arm. By now, the two women have helped Bilbo to stand up, but he startles out of their grasp at the sudden transformation of the blonde’s arm. Eijirou catches Bilbo’s shoulder so he doesn’t fall and grins down at the Hobbit with razor sharp teeth. 

“Don't worry, it’s a common mistake.” The red-head mistakenly thought Bilbo’s wide eyed stare was for confusion of terminology and not absolute horror at watching a seemingly normal person’s arm turn scaly and begins to educate the Hobbit. “You see, the red guy over there, dead and all, was a Wyvern. They have ‘attached wings’ and two legs. Full Dragons, or Dragon Beasts as we prefer, have four legs and ‘detached wings’. Not many people know the difference, and it seems like even less know the further south we go.” Satisfied with his explanation, Eijirou goes over to keep an eye on his leader’s sad attempts at their courting rituals. The ‘demonstrating grand feats of strength’ was shot as Midoriya was the one to deliver the finishing blow, and now the little green-tinted adventurer looked more like he was going to get devoured than ‘provided’ for. 

Bilbo gets lead to one of the tables and a cup of warm tea is placed in front of him. His mind swirls with the new information in his head, ‘full dragon’ and ‘we prefer’ at the forefront. Does that mean some of the others in the treasury are also dragons? Do they want the gold? And what about the Arkenstone that he was sent in there to get? He takes a sip of tea and decides that if they are dragons, then he hopes they are at least reasonable dragons. Bilbo continues to sip his tea and ignore the intermittent shouting and crashes. 

He manages to get into a rather playful discussion with a few of the minstrels in the group as a loud battle cry and subsequent clatter of falling Dwarrow sounds within the treasury. Bilbo watches as the Company of Thorin Oakenshield gracelessly falls down the same hill of gold he fell down earlier. The bakers’ dozen of Dwarrow quickly right themselves and brandish their weapons, pretending they didn’t just clumsily fall down a hill of gold. “Oh” most eyes land on the Hobbit, “I forgot about you all.” Bilbo blushes an embarrassed shade of red at the slip. The company all grumble about being forgotten, but that all passed as they slowly lay their eyes on the corpse of Smaug and the room follows the same pattern as Bilbo just went through. Panic, confusion, explanations, and finally tea. 

This time though there are a few meat dishes passed around (that Bilbo refuses as he knows where the meat comes from) and good cheer is passed around for a while. Tensions raise though as the subject of the treasure comes up. Katsuki crashes through the tension with all the grace of a bull in a ceramics shop, “Who gives a Fuck about some sparkling rocks! I’m after the bastard All For One!” Thorin stands from his seat and growls back, “The Arkenstone is not just some ‘sparkling rock’, it represents my right to rule and is needed to gather the Dwarrow of Middle Earth to take down… the… dragon.” The Dwarven king loses steam as he remembers Smaug lays dead just behind a few mountains of gold. A few of the company look down at their plates and dare not check the dragon’s corpse for fear they might see parts missing.

Katsuki grins maliciously toward Thorin, “If you’re so pathetic that you need some stupid rock to gather your own kinsmen, then you people are as dumb as the rocks you dig up.” All of the Dwarrow start shouting profanities at the insult. Izuku flails his arms around and tries to get between the blonde and the irate Dwarrow, “Uh-uh-uh, I think what Kacchan was trying to say was something like: A true leader works to protect and support their people, and from the way your people are arguing for your sake, I’d say you are doing that perfectly.” 

“I know what I said”, Katsuki growls from behind Izuku’s back. The greenette flashes Thorin a gentle smile. The soft connection is broken as Katsuki hoists Izuku over his shoulder and glares at the Dwarven King. The green-haired adventurer flails around and whines to be put back down, but is ignored by all as the blonde carries him behind a large pile of gold. Ochako slowly approaches the table with Thorin and Balin, “Uh, this ‘arkenstone’ thing. It wouldn’t happen to be a rock about two fist sizes big and shines with a glittering white light… would it?” Her voice is meek as she tries to hid within her large pointy hat. A stone drops in the two Dwarrow’s stomachs, “Yes,” Balin voices, “Yes, that certainly sounds like the Arkenstone.” 

All eyes of the 1A group land on the Witch and Ochako shrinks in on herself. “Well, you see.” She shuffles her feet and the Dwarrow get more worried. “I’m still learning to control my magic and well… while we were fighting… it kinda… well…” She looks up to the top of the tall cavern of the treasury. It was faint due to the distance, but Thorin could just make out large golden ornaments and huge piles of gold gently float at the top. There is confusion on the dwarrow’s faces, until Kili helpfully points out the large hole also in the ceiling. The Company of Thorin Oakenshield watch with blank faces as one of the large golden statues slowly makes its way to the open hole and float straight up out of it. They wait for five minutes until the other prince speaks up, “So, uh, how long until if comes back down?” 

Suddenly, Tenya jumps forward from nowhere and bows to the Dwarrow. “I most humbly apologize for our terrible lapse in judgement. Our inexperience has caused such an important cultural heirloom to be lost.” The knight continues his fervent apologizes, but the Dwarrow no longer can hear him. Thorin shakily falls back to his seat and takes the cup of tea Bilbo places in front of him. Shouto voices their realizations, “The spell casted was a floating or anti-gravity spell. There is no way to tell if it will wear off or not, and even if it does the items that flew out the hole have been going for hours now and are long gone either way.” His monotone voice did nothing to help the devastation in the Dwarrows’ hearts. 

The sound of someone falling down the hill of gold by the stairs again grabbed the occupants’ attention. Bard from the Lake Town rights himself and brushes a few coins off his shoulders. “Perhaps we should fix that.” Tsuyu casually calls from her place at one of the tables. Nobody moves to clean the stairs. “What the FUCK is it this time!!” Katsuki yells out as he makes his way back from behind the pile of gold. Izuku follows with rumpled clothing and confusion all over his blushing face. Bilbo sends a quick envious look to the two and glances to Thorin who in turn is staring at Bard. “I came here because I was worried,” The bowman begins, “but it seems I needn’t have.” He looks around the treasury at the Dwarrow and Hobbit he had met at the town and the group of strangers, some are stressed, some are relaxing, some are arguing and it looks like one with grape-styled hair is trying to undo a Warrior Woman’s chest armor. 

Shaking off the strangeness of the scene in front of him, Bard asks to no one in particular, “And what of the Dragon?” Once again Katsuki rages about Smaug not being a real dragon and how easily he could have defeated him had the others not gotten in his way. A plate of well cooked meat was placed in his hands by Tsuyu, “No need to worry about that Smaug fellow. We took care of him.” Bard looks down skeptically at his plate, but chooses not to think about it. He instinctively knows not to look too carefully at the actions of group 1A lest he lose his sanity. Bard goes over to Oakenshield and they discuss the gold promised the Master of Lake Town, possible future trade and maybe rebuilding Dale. Talk of the rapidly approaching winter and the necessary preparations. 

The food and drinks are passed around long into the night. The party lasts long into the night and most wake with hangovers. Those not inhibited by poor decisions from the night before begin to sort out the gold that didn’t float out of the treasury or search the ruins for other supplies. It took the group a little over a week to set up a decent camp for everyone within the mountain. It is early one morning that the now familiar sound of someone falling down the pile of gold over the entrance stairs fills the treasury. 

The Company of Thorin Oakenshield, the traveling group 1A, Bard and a few Lakemen all watch as Thranduil and a few of the elven guard quickly right themselves and act as if they didn’t just slip down a golden hill. The Elvenking regally looks around the treasury. His eyes land on the regally standing Thorin at the front of the ragtag group. Thranduil raises one perfect brow, “I see the rumors that the dragon is dead are true.” Cue Katsuki rant about dragons vs. wyverns. After settling the resident hothead down, Thranduil and Thorin engage in a regal stare-off. Thorin coolly replies, “Smaug is no longer an issue. Unlike cowards that hide behind their own walls, we set out to reclaim what is rightfully ours.” 

Thranduil smirks at the comment, “Great of you to say such a thing.” The Dwarvenking narrows his eyes as the Elf in front of him continues, “I am here for such a reason. As I’m sure you remember from your visit to the elven kingdom, the Starlight Gems belong to the Elves of the Greenwood, and I would have them back. My army is standing ready should you decide to be difficult.” The regal stares become partial glares as both Kings’ entourage grasp their weapons, but do not yet point them at each other, not without the orders from their respective leaders. All of the 1A’s eyes fall onto their resident Witch-in-training. Ochako once again slowly makes her way toward the newcomer and squeaks out, “Uh… those wouldn’t happen to be the small box of gems that kinda sparkled a light blue with the elven writing on it? Would it?” 

Now the Elves’ stomachs drop at the meek presence of the small Witch. She slowly lifts her shoulders in an attempt to hide from the piercing stares from the two Kings and their companions. “Well,” She ducks her head further down and pulls her hat over her eyes, “They might have… well… I mean… we were so distracted… and…” Ochako raises her eyes to the hole in the ceiling and the Dwarrow and Elves all follow her gaze. The Company try to hold back chuckles with a few coughs into shoulders and hands. Tenya again rushes foreword to apologize, while Shouto explains the evident with a monotone. The two are getting rather proficient at the act. 

Tensions raise at the new information that the gems are gone for good, but is popped at a rather familiar sound. One Dwarf and one Elf stand from their fall down the gold pile and rush to their respective Kings to deliver the same message.

“An Orc army approaches Erebor!”  
“An Orc army approaches Erebor!”

The two messengers give each other slanted looks. The two Kings give each other calculated looks. Thorin is the first to speak, “It would seem our disagreement will have to wait for another day.” Thranduil merely raises a regal brow again, “Yes, as it seems as though you are going to be quite predisposed dealing with those Orcs.” The Dwarven King grits his teeth, “You are not going to fight against that filth?!” Thranduil turns away from Thorin, an insult that the other is no threat. “They are marching agains Erebor, not the Greenwood. Therefore, the elvenfolk have no business here.” Thorin clenches his hands, “Are you going to hide behind your trees while others fight, like a coward? And should the Orcs turn their blades toward the forest? Will you still hide?” The Elvenking turns his head to regard the Dwarf, “Orcs make their nests within darkness and rock, they will not go for the Greenwood.” Thorin straightens his spine and sneers, “Are Orcs so much better neighbors than Dwarrow to you?”

Before Thranduil could respond, Katsuki yells from his position near the back, “FUCK YOU BOTH AND YOUR PISSING CONTESTS!!” The irate Dragon Beast proudly marches up from his position while dragging the green-haired adventurer by the arm. He glares at the other two Kings, his piercing red eyes blazing with an internal fire. “I don't fucking care about you two pussy-footing around each other in some sort of dick measuring contest. The only thing that matters is me.” He points his free thumb to himself, and then marches up the steps out of the treasury. “OI! Hair-for-Brains, Pinky, and Sparky! Get your asses up here and keep track of my kill count! We’re gunna kill ourselves some Orcs!” The greenette getting pulled along cries out pitifully, “Kacchan, I’m sure there was a nicer way to say you are going to help them.”

Three of the other Dragon Beasts make their way quickly up the steps, faithfully following their own King with smiles and playful jeers. A few of the other members of 1A got up and followed their rambunctious Dragon King out the cleared gates. Thorin and his company followed suit, each Dwarrow arming themselves with weapons from the royal armory and exiting the treasury to face their final threat. Thranduil followed at a graceful pace with his own guard. Once outside, the Dwarrow meet up with their kin from the Iron Hills. The Elves meet up with their army and rearrange themselves to prepare to march back to the Greenwood. The members of 1A that left the treasury all stand in a solid line facing the direction the Orcs will arrive. 

The Dwarrow all ready their weapons as the Orc army crests the horizon. They stand a few meters behind the 1A line. So far the members of 1A don’t appear very concerned about the approaching army of tens of thousands of Orcs. The Orcs stop at the top of a nearby hill and there is silence. Of course, it is Katsuki that breaks it with a deafening battle cry. Him and the other Dragon Beasts charge forward first. The Orcs charge them. From one moment to the next there are four Full Dragons of various colors charging the Orc army. Each one easily larger than Smaug had been and they begin decimating the corrupted army. Izuku pulls out his own sword, shining with the light of One For All. “Well,” The greenette begins, “We can’t let them have all the fun.” 1A charges into the fray. Only a few small groups of Orcs and Goblins make it through the legs of the Dragons and are quickly dispatched by the fighters of 1A.

The Dwarrow and Elven army stand in stunned silence at the sight of the Dragons fighting. It is Dain that breaks the silence with a hearty laugh, “HAHAHA!! We can’t let some scaly beasts think they are better than the might of Dwarrow!!! Let’s Go!!” The Dwarrow charge in to the battle. Kili hangs back and fires off arrows to approaching Orcs. He glances at the Elvenking and smirks with mirth in his eyes. “It’s okay if you are too scared to join the fight. I’m sure we can protect ourselves and you frail Elves.” With a wink, the Dwarven prince races off to follow his kin in the battle for their home. With a twitch to his eye, Thranduil unsheathes his sword and leads his Elves into the battle. At some point the Men of Lake Town arrived to help fight the Dragons, lead by Bard. Once they realized the Dragons were on their side, they began fighting the Orcs. 

The battle rages for many long hours and many fall to their deaths. The Orc army, supplemented with Goblins and even Trolls, continued to fight despite their obvious disadvantage due to the FOUR Dragons, almost as if possessed. Finally though, the battle ends just before the sun sets over the horizon. Gandalf had arrived a few hours previous with the Eagles of Manhwe only to find that they were not actually needed. The young Witch, Ochako, floated the weapons of fallen Orcs to pierce the corrupted bats in the sky. The arrival of Beorn was also unnecessary, but that didn’t stop the bear-shifter from decimating any corrupted creature in his path. 

Whatever Orcs retreated were soon cut down by either the Eagles or the scouting Elves. The survivors of the battle organized healing centers and cleaning teams. Most of the Orcs’ bodies are unrecognizable due to simply getting smashed by draconian feet, but they must be dealt with anyways. It is asking for disease to leave so many corpses laying out in the sun. A dining area was also constructed for the tired fighters. They even had meat. Bilbo refused to eat the meat and would not answer as to why. 

After having fought on the same battle field, a sort of kinship has formed between Thorin, Thranduil and Bard (The Master of Lake Town is no longer there, probably died while trying to run away with his gold) and the three leaders discuss the futures of their respective lands and people. They tried to bring Katsuki into the discussions, but the Dragon King simply scoffed and growled that he doesn’t need any ‘fucking treaties and shit’ then continued his heated argument with the others in 1A about who killed more enemies. The angry blonde swears he could have taken the entire army down on his own if the others hadn’t gotten in his way. 

There are no official treaties signed, but promises for meetings once the winter is over are made. The more important issues of surviving the upcoming winter for the Dwarrow and the Lake Towns people (Katsuki was a little over enthusiastic and threw many flaming Trolls over his shoulder, a few of which landed on the wooden structures of the town) were finalized. The Lake Town people would wait out the winter inside the ruins of Erebor and assist with reconstruction. Once the citizens of Erebor return in the spring, they will all help with rebuilding Dale. Thranduil collected his Elves and began to make his way back to Mirkwood. A snide comment from Fili about his ‘bug problem’ caused Katsuki to once again get fired up about an enemy. 

“If you can’t handle a few fucking spiders, I guess I gotta show you bitches how it’s done.” He then goes around looking for Izuku while holding a plate of fresh cooked meat. Bilbo continues to avoid looking at all of the meat. 1A had managed to finish cutting up the meat and set aside a large portion for drying to last longer and cooked up the other portion for the short term. They did save the scales and put them in a pocket dimension on Ochako’s cloak. It was surprisingly easy to pull apart the scales once the creature was dead. So far, only Bilbo suspects the origins of the meat. 

1A left with the Elves to the Mirkwood, while the Men of Lake Town left for Erebor. So a new day dawned and with it a new hope for happier times, now that Smaug is gone and the Dwarrow returned to the Mountain. Later it would be called the Battle of Five Armies, the battle that solidified the strength and bonds of those that fought. It was a new time of prosperity for the East. Except for every now and again a voice from one that spent the first winter in the reclaimed Erebor would cry out in despair. 

“IT WAS DRAGON MEAT!”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you very much for reading. 
> 
> I hope you had at least half as fun reading it as I did writing it. Seriously, I was laughing almost the entire way. It was a very fun fic to write. Especially the Bilbo doesn't look at the meat stuff. lol
> 
> I hope you all have a very great new year.


End file.
